Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
