My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
