OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
