well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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