She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
