I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
