I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
