i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
