Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
