there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
