I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
