He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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