the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
