God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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