I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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