I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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