I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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