So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
