matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
