im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You have to summon your inner elephant
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
