Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
