so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
