just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
