apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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