Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
