fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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