sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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