we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
