Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
