Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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