it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
