My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
