I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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