Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
