i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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