The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
