I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
