he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
