the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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