don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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