then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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