Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
