i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
