Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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