I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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