Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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