i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
