I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
