i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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