My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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