Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
