Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
