I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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