cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
