It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
