no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
