Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
